Divorce is one of the hardest events any of us go through.
It is the end of our relationship, family unit, often the end of our home, sometimes friends, extended family. Then we have our children taken away from us part of the time, and if in business together, we can loose that too. It is a massive adjustment, and one many people struggle to recover from.
When we go through a divorce it is so easy to become caught up in the past or planning ahead without taking the time to being here, in the present, the now.
We can struggle with the ‘if only’ or ‘why didn’t I realise sooner’ or ‘why was I so stupid to believe him / her’. We can even struggle with the ‘I knew deep down before we married’. These ‘what-ifs’ and ‘if only’ scenarios can cripple us.
Coming to terms with the end or our marriage or relationship can be overwhelming. The fact is it happened, whoever’s fault it was or even if it was a joint decision; it remains a challenge to us to move on into a new and different life. A life we may not have experienced for decades, that of being single and independent again. This can be scary. Not only that our identity of being a someone’s wife or husband has also now changed, I am no longer that person, my identity has been altered, but to what?
Part of the struggle many people experience is what they now need to do to move on, to become happy again, to feel in control of their life and the decisions they need to make. Then we may struggle with the ‘what if I don’t meet anyone again’, ‘what if I can’t afford to live like before’, what if, what if and on they continue. This can be devastating for us and start infringing on our ability to make good choices and decisions for your future.
How then do we put these doubts aside and move on? We are told we need to set a goal but this is sometimes so far in our future we can barely see it form where we are currently standing. Focusing on the future with fear prohibits us from moving forward as we need to. Sure there will be a degree of apprehension, and that is fine, it is the fear that can freeze us and prevent us going forward. It can even prevent us from living in today if we are too concerned about tomorrow, next year or when I am old.
The transformation from married to single is a process for most of us. How can we make this process easier and less painful? How can we make sure we have learnt some valuable lessons from our past relationship? How do we prepare for this new life, even if it is one we didn’t want?
We turn our thoughts to now, the present. Concentrating on getting through our day or week, looking at activities and things to do. Sure we can set future plans, but if we do this too soon, it can actually keep us stuck where we are. We accept the events that created this situation and turn our thoughts forward to managing the here and now and making a decision based on our new circumstances. The fact we didn’t want or ask for this is irrelevant now. The decision you may have made that perhaps you regret, is also irrelevant. It is done.
We make decisions based on what it is we feel at that time, so even if you may have had second thoughts because it is harder than you thought, means little. You made the decision or the marriage ended, due to reasons or events that occurred. We are unable to move time back, even though we wish so hard we could. The present is now and now being where we must start. Learning to appreciate the now means we can more quickly move on.
When our marriage or relationship ends, we need to go through the mourning process. This is shock, disbelief, bargaining, anger, acceptance. This can take weeks, months or years, depending on your circumstances and age.
We first experience the shock this is actually happening. We move onto disbelief it is now occurring, even if we instigated it, this emotion remains. We bargain with ourself or partner using those what-if, if only scenarios that can sometimes keep people stuck in a terrible marriage. Then we experience a degree of anger and often blame before we move onto acceptance of our new life situation. This process takes time. The more support and counselling you receive, the faster you can move through this process. The faster you set-up your new life, the faster it is.
Tips to help you move on include:
• Deal with any unresolved anger or trauma through counselling
• Take up a sport or activity you enjoy, to meet new people and do new things
• Understand any physical activity releases endorphins, our ‘feel good’ hormones, this helps us over those down humps
• Allow some time to pass and do not expect yourself to ‘get over it’ too quickly
• Set your new goals for the next 6 – 12 months so they care measurable and attainable
• Ensure you set the steps to reach that goal and move the posts if you need to
• Consider what went wrong and set your criteria to make sure you don’t make the same mistake again
• If you have developed any negative behaviours being in an unhealthy relationship, work at improving these
For those needing that extra bit of help simply go to my website VirtualHypnotherapy.com and get your ‘Relationship Recovery’ hypnotherapy session. It can help you break those old bonds and move on faster.
Remember, there’s no time like the present to start making things better for yourself. You are the only person that can do this and you can. Onward and upward is the mantra.
